Why Do I Train Jiu Jitsu 

Growing up I was in karate. I was actually scared of being in karate everyday. But once I got to class, I forgot what I was afraid of. After getting out of karate, I tried other sports. I tried volleyball, dance, and running. I so badly wanted to join martial arts again. It’s where I felt like I was supposed to be. I’ve always had strong anxiety when it came to being out in public. I would get anxiety when I have school. I would have anxiety when I would go out with friends. I would have anxiety when I needed to do simple things. I still have anxiety everyday. But I’m learning to deal with it.  But when I’m at jiu jitsu, I have lost that anxiety and I can simply just be. Nothing has had the power to help me fully forget my worries. Not art or music or friends or family. Now that I’m blessed enough to train jiu jitsu, I honestly don’t know what I would be as a person if jiu jitsu did not come into my life when it did. About 9 months ago, I got out of a really bad  relationship. It was hell, and I’m proud of myself for walking away. Even though I’ve wanted to be in martial arts for years, the anger and hurt I have from that relationship is was fuels my fire to be the best I can be in jiu jitsu. Here lately I’ve been trying to think of why I am so passionate about jiu jitsu and being at Elite MMA. I’m there religiously, and I was starting to worry that maybe I’m only going to get out of my head. If I’m avoiding what’s in my head, then I need to tend to my mind instead of avoiding it. But the thing is, I haven’t been avoiding my mind. So what is it? Why am I always at Elite MMA? And I’ve come down to a few answers. 

1) I want to be there for my team mates. I’m only a white belt. And I’ve only been there for a few months. But I truly love supporting the new people who come in. For kickboxing, I enjoy cheering them on and singing/dancing to the music to help them feel more comfortable. For jiu jitsu, I’m still learning a lot. My teammates actually hold me up well. Elite MMA does a good job of being supportive when someone is lost. But when someone is trying out class, especially a female, I grow so happy inside when I get to help them with the smallest things. Seeing them learning and understanding and realizing that they too are able to do what we do is so beautiful. 

2) my goal is not to be better than anyone. My goal is to do what I can and grow on my own time. Now I do like to challenge myself in kickboxing. I like to push my limit to see what I can really accomplish. But I’m still trying to better myself. Everyday I’m in class, I see improvements. I see things that I didn’t see the day before. And I have a moment to myself of “wow, Jamie! You go girl! You really can do it.” I don’t know if I’m great, or good, or just okay at jiu jitsu. But I know that I’m growing and that’s all I ask for. I owe all that to my teammates and coaches for helping me out. Because without them, I wouldn’t be at the level of where I’m at now. And I’m apart of a team that knows how to be a team of respect. 

3) this reason is a bit personal. And before you read this reason, just know I’m not asking for anyone’s pity. I’m not saying this for attention. I’m saying this because I’m finally ready for people to know what I have struggled through. And I want people to be able to have hope for themselves who have been in similar situations. I want to be a voice for those that are silent. I was in an abusive relationship (mentally, emotionally, and physically). It sucks that it happened but I learned a lot from it. Instead of staying down in the dumps, I (with the help of my family and close friends) picked myself up and made something of myself. I have come so far. I made it a goal to simply join jiu jitsu. I wanted to know proper self defense, and I wanted to do it for myself. If I were to ever be in a dangerous situation again, I want to be able to defend myself and not have a rerun of what I went through. And I want to be a voice for those girls or guys who are suffering as well.  I want them to see that they can get through dark times. Maybe they don’t need jiu jitsu to do it. Maybe they need music or out doors or friendship. Whatever it is that they need, go get it and don’t let anything or anyone stand in their way. 

4) I train jiu jitsu because it’s what helped me realize my worth. 


Ultimately everyone will be disappointed in me. in some shape or for or way. It’s bound to happen.

but i don’t think that is what hurts the most. what hurts the most is what they do with that disappointment towards me subconsciously. and of course i let it bring me down. i don’t even have pride in myself.

nothing is every good enough

I try

I try

I try

I cry

and right now

I can no longer hold back my tears

i didn’t even know i was this hurt

and all of a sudden i cant stop talking myself down

I see loved ones be happy in each others company

as i become a by standard.

it hurts because its unintentional.  they don’t mean to leave me out

they just do because the amount of disappointment that they have is too strong that they are genuinely much happier with my absence. and i sit back and see their joyful memories through my bright screen that haunts me at night. because i am no longer good enough.

because of who i am and what i do and what i have done and how i have become, eventually, ultimately, everyone becomes disappointed.

Not Scared of Death

Dr. Joe once said that the three most feared things to humans are 1) giving speeches, 2) heights, and 3) death. 

Now giving speeches, I can handle. It won’t kill me. No, I don’t enjoy standing up as everyone looks at me rambling on about some shit I don’t care about. But it’s manageable. It’s not a fear. 

Heights? Oh hell. This one is complicated. Say I’m at the edge of a mountain. But between the edge and me is a four foot wall to look over. I cannot handle that. I will get dizzy and fall over that four foot tall wall. I will fall to my death. But say I’m along that mountain edge a thousand feet in the air. No four foot wall between the miuntain edge and me. Only a harnise around my waist. I will not be scared. Panicked, a little, but only from the adrenaline. But I would not fall to my death for if I were to get dizzy and fall, the harnise will hold onto me. Make sense?  

But death? Is it strange that I do not care if I die? I think about it often. No, I will not kill myself. But if I were to die, I do not think I would be scared. Now where will I pass onto after this life time is a mystery. That is between my creator and me. I know I have not had the best relationship with my creator for the time being, but I have been slowing working on that. I do have faith that he will not damn me to hell. But if I were told that I will die in my next sleep, I would not be scared. Yes, I would try to remain awake as long as I can to say my goodbyes and give my love to those I can. But my heart is either too heavy to care or too light to be held down with fear. I cannot decide. 

But I am not scared of death. I think of it as a part of life. If God wants me to die, then so be it. I’m sure my loved ones will be sad. But they will get through it. It would be Gods will. Which means it is doable. 

So death is welcomed to my life. For when it comes, it is because God planned it as so. This I know because the only way he would not plan this event for me is if I were to take matters into my own hands. And that I will not do. So it is all on God. 
A little morbid, I guess. But it’s something I’ve always thought about. It’s about time I wrote it down somewhere. 

Tiny Glowing Screend Pt. 2 by Watsky

There’s 7 billion 46 million people on the planetAnd most of us have the audacity to think we matter

Hey, you hear the one about the comedian who croaked?

Someone stabbed him in the heart, just a little poke

But he keeled over ‘cause he went into battle wearing chain mail made of jokes

Hey, you hear the one about the screenwriter who passed away?

He was giving elevator pitches and the elevator got stuck halfway

He ended up eating smushed sandwiches they pushed through a crack in the door

And repeating the same crappy screenplay idea about talking dogs ’til his last day

Hey, you hear the one about the fisherman who passed?

He didn’t jump off that ledge

He just stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up towards him really fast

Like he was pitching a line and went fishing for concrete

The earth is a drum and he’s hitting it on beat

The reason there’s smog in Los Angeles is ‘cause if we could see the stars

If we could see the context of the universe in which we exist

And we could see how small each one of us is

Against the vastness of what we don’t know

No one would ever audition for a McDonalds commercial again

And then where would we be?

No frozen dinners and no TV

And is that a world we want to text in?

Either someone just microwaved popcorn

Or I hear the sound of a thousand people pulling their heads out of their asses in rapid succession

The people are hunched over in Boston

They’re starting app stores and screen printing companies in San Francisco

They’re grinning in Los Angeles like they’ve got fishhooks in the corners of their mouth

But don’t paint me like the good guy ‘cause every time I write

I get to choose the angle that you view me and select the nicest light

You wouldn’t respect me if you heard the typewriter chatter tap tap

Tapping through my mind at night

The same stupid tape loop of old sitcom dialogue

And tattered memories of a girl I got to grind on in high school

Filed carefully on rice paper

My heart is a colored pencil

But my brain is an eraser

I don’t want a real girl, I want to trace her from a catalogue

Truth be told I’m unlikely to hold you down

Cause my soul is a crowded subway train

And people keep deciding to get on the next one that rolls through town

I’m joining a false movement in San Francisco

I’m frowning and hunched over in Boston

I’m smiling in Los Angeles like I’ve got fishhooks in the corners of my mouth

And I’m celebrating on weekends

Because there are 7 billion 47 million people on the planet

And I have the audacity to think I matter

I know it’s a lie but I prefer it to the alternative

Because I’ve got a tourniquet tied at my elbow / I’ve got

A blunt wrap filled with compliments and I’m burnin it

You say to go to sleep but I been bouncing off my bedroom walls since I was hecka small

We’re every age at once and tucked inside ourselves like Russian nesting dolls

My mother is an 8 year old girl

My grandson is a 74 year old retiree whose kidneys just failed

And that’s the glue between me and you

That’s the screws and nails

We live in a house made of each other

And if that sounds strange that’s because it is

Someone please freeze time so I can run around turning everyone’s pockets inside out

And remember, you didn’t see shit

I Giive Up on People Who Leave Me Out.  

I don’t know where my mind is at. I don’t know what I want. I want to be included with my friends so badly. But I get anxiety when I exceed an amount of time with them. So I sit out for a while. But I so badly want to be respected and invited and remembered. Expecially by those who claim to be my best friends. I understand when I’m not invited to a couple hang outs. I respect that. But it hurts seeing friends hang out religiously without me. It hurts when they have insiders while I sit at home with my dog. I want to be included. I know I decline some invites. But I can’t help it. The anxiety is too much. But I do try my hardest to be at the events I do go to. And it means the world to simply be invited. 

Go away

Go away

Go away

Go away

Go away

Leave me alone 

Leave me alone 

Leave me alone 

Leave me alone 

Leave me alone 

Leave me alone 

Leave me alone

Don’t leave me alone 

Never Forget Where You Came From 

Here recently I’ve become very materialistic. I color my hair white, gray, pink, and next will be blue. I buy boots and heels. I wear make up and intense lipstick. I have a hot pink purse, and I find myself wanting more. 

The inner girly me is coming out. And I’m not stopping her. I think I’ll name her Bridget. That bitch wants to be fabulous. Bridget wants more hats. And gloves! Who wants gloves? Bridget does. To drive. To grocery shop. To open doors. Bridget is just getting started on her make over of me. She has a lot in store. 

I had to catch myself. Before I get carried away with all of these things that are fun and cute and unnecessary, I have to remember that I don’t need these things to be happy. How dare I put material items before quality time with people I enjoy. 

I came from wearing second hand store clothes, boy clothes, and my sisters clothes. Bridget was nonexistent up until a few months ago. But I must remember: Just because I have all of these things does not place me on a higher level. As a matter of fact, if I do believe I’m on a higher level for having materials in my possession, I automatically fall to a lower level. That is a sad person. 

Where I came from: moving from one house to another when I was little. Living with other families when my parents could not have a place of their own. Grandparents who have worn down huses and slowly making it their beautiful homes over time. 

Home is not a place. Home is a feeling. I now only get that feeling when I’m in my hometown. Not even where I live now. I hardly have that feeling. Maybe that’s why I use these material goods. They fill a void. But never will I ever forget where I came from. 

Where I came from is still the happiest place on earth for me. 

It’s not wrong to be materialized. What’s wrong is placing yourself above others for having those materials. It’s all a matter of where your mind is at. 


“I don’t want to see anyone today. I can’t wait for school to start back up.”

These were the first words I said today. Mom told me to invite people over so I won’t be bored. That is truly a sad response. But it was the truth. 

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate my friends. Each of them. But it hurts to hang out with them. I feel empty when I hang out with them. And I’m even more empty after the hang out is over.

 While with a group, I sit in silence and asorb the love in the room that’s shared between everyone. It’s a beautiful thing.  But at the same time, I feel as though I take no part in that love. Just witness and wave as it passes by. 

One on one, I feel as though I’m with a stranger. No matter who I’m with. They don’t know me. I don’t know them. Not any more. Everything is different. Weather they see it or not. 

Everyone has grown closer together without me. Happy without me. I was left behind. And that is the worst part of all. I see them all grow closer. Still. They still grow closer. Supporting each other. Going out. Making memories. Every night. I am forgotten. As they all go out. I sit and cry. Feeling alone. 

I don’t know why it hurts so much. I don’t know what it’s like to be a friend. Just this morning I was relieved at the thought of everyone leaving. I panic when people want to hang out. But I hurt so badly when they enjoy their life so much more without me. 

I want to leave now more than ever. To where no one knows me. I won’t have to explain myself. I won’t have the awkward small talk because they won’t know that I’ve made mistakes. I won’t have to own up to anything. 

People now think I’m funny. I guess it’s true. The funniest people are the ones who are hurt inside. Or in my case: empty. 

I can’t express this to anyone. How do you tell someone you’re tired of them, but you also miss them? You don’t. Unless you want to be an asshole. 

Seems like I’ve become an asshole. A friend of mine said I’m cold. Guess people notice. Because by the end of the day, it never seems to matter. I can’t let it get me down. Otherwise I’ll be down.  

What is friendship? No one knows me.  I did good for a while there. Being the real me. Now I’ve just muted myself to everything. I’m just tired of being pushed away. But..

I’m just going in circles now. 

It’s become my cross to bear. 

Hypocrites on Marijuana 

Okay, rant box again. I won’t be using the common “it came from the earth, it’s god’s gift.” No. That isn’t a valid argument. Or “it helps me with my anxiety/depression/Illness.” It doesn’t. I don’t have an illness to go off of. I’m just going to take things out of this reading that can easily be contradicted or what can come off hypocritical. 
 All I got out of this reading is 

A) Marijuana doesn’t get you closer to God. Okay. Neither does alcohol or cigarettes. But society is not fighting against the use of those substances because they are already so socially acceptable. Mind you, not everyone believes in God/Jesus Christ. I do, but this is not an argument for just me. It is an argument for all who live in America. 

B) More and more people are becoming curious about marijuana. Well, yes. Duh. If it is legal, many will consider trying it out. That is a given. It is also their right to explore what they want. 

C) Marijuana effects driving. Alcohol effects driving as well. So does texting. Texting and drunk driving is illegal. (Correction: texting and driving is becoming illegal nation wide as time passes. But it is still frowned upon everywhere.) Why not do the same for driving high/intoxicated? Rules and regulations can be made to keep things like this under control. 

D) Marijuana effects the brain. In this report, it states the brain is still developing till the early 20’s. Then delay the age of using marijuana legally. Instead of the legal age being 21, take it a step further and make the legal age 24 or 25. Compromise. 

E) Marijuana is mentally addictive. This is correct. The use of marajana can become mentally addicting. But that is not for everyone. The majority of those who are mentally addicted to the use of marijuana are young adults. They do not know how else to feel better about life. They rely on marijuana to take the edge off. If they would take the edge off through exercise, meditation, a hobby, or some other way, they will not be so attached to marijuana. In other words, they are still immature. Once they mature, grow up, and see there is more to life, their addiction will be only a phase. At the same time, like the examples mentioned earlier, alcohol is addictive to some. So is the use of a phone. Take a phone from any teen or young adult and you are bound to get a riot. A phone to many is a safety blanket.
Over all, yes, the first few years of marijuana being legal will be a bit hectic. That is due to the excitement and lack of control. Anyone could have seen that coming. As time passes, it will become a norm, and the dramatic stats will become more leveled with control and guidelines. Guidelines such as, do not attend work high, do not drive high, do not smoke in public, etc. There are side effects to anything and everything. Do not be so close minded and against one thing before placing arguments to other everyday common activities. Do not forget the problems that are already occurring. Problems that are not being fought for because they are a social norm already. Marijuana is not the worst thing to happen to this country. If people want to throw their life away over marijuana, that is their problem. They have lack of priorities and self control. Unless America wants to due away with alcohol, cigarettes, and other addictive substances, the fight against marijuana is redundant. 
What’s your next argument?

Farewell for good, I guess. 

Dear pothead,Why? Why did you leave me out? Why did you ignore me? Why did you always choose them over me? What makes them so great? They party? They know how to have fun? They can be inappropriate? You left me out of your life and it hurt. It hurt trying to be happy for you. I hurt seeing you have the time of your life without me. Then to never opening up to me anymore? You use to tell me everything. You use to always want to talk to me. You were my rock. And one day I realized you moved on. Otherwise I wouldn’t have to try for you attention. Otherwise you would still care about me. Otherwise you would still want me relevant to your life. So I was without a rock for years. Just falling. Pretending I’m okay. But really all I needed was the attention from my best friend. 

I hear you’re happy. I hear you’re with a girl. I hear the two of you will have forever. 

I’m happy for you. I’m pissed that I’m happy for you. I’m hurt. I’m happy, pissed, hurt, sad, and not loved by you. 

The worst part is that I know I can’t blame you. Because you never set out to hurt me. You just did you. Good for you. I’m actually jealous. Because you did what you wanted to. No one held you back. 

Me? I’ll always be here. Which I hate. Here to happily jump at the chance I get to have your attention for one second. Because that means for that one tiny insignificant moment, you remembered me. Pathetic. 

I’ve had many dreams about you. My favorite dream I had about you was when I yelled at you. When I released 4 years of hurt and anger on you. That was my favorite dream. Because I so badly want you to know how I feel. But I’ll never tell you because you don’t care. Otherwise you would make me apart of your life. 

I quit. Why am I going to try to be in your life? I’m better than that. You don’t deserve me if that’s the only way you’ll notice me. Enjoy your life. You already are. I need to see my way out. Because I’m that nobody in the dark corner of the room full of people you are so happy to be with. No. Not even. I’m outside the door of your life. About to knock. But I don’t because I realize that you’ll never notice my absence.

“My door is always open?” No it’s not. I’ve been shit out. I no longer want to knock. 


Crack head.  


Happy Almost New Year

What I learned in 2015
Music: there’s music for every emotion. I just went a few days without setting time apart to enjoy music. I realized I became a bit tense. Once I played my playlist, immediate relax. (If you have any music suggestions, my ears are open. I love music.)

Love: something I don’t quite know how to explain with one word. Or with any words. 

Honesty: I use to always say what people wanted to hear. Or bend the truth to make myself seem more interesting. Learned the hard way that’s not okay. To many, that’s common sense. To me, it’s how I grew up. Honesty is key. “If you spend your life lying to people about who you are, you’ll never get to know who they are.” This quote speaks volumes to me. I never got to fully know who people really are. Not only that, I didn’t know who I was. I knew who I wanted to be. But I was way too busy being something I’m not, I never got to be me. Now I’m honest with myself and everyone else. My world is flipped upside down. It is truly a mess! But everything is much more clear now. 

Friends: quality over quantity. I hurt many of them this year. And it sucks. But I can’t change my fault. Some bonds are so damaged things just aren’t the same. I understand and respect that. Some are still the same. I appreciate that. And few are growing stronger even though the bond was hurt. I love that. I now feel a connection to those I call friends. A connection I haven’t felt before. And it’s a nice feeling. (That goes back to the honesty thing.) 

Family: man on man. I’ve put my loved ones through the ringer. And for that, I sincerely apologize. After all I put them through, they see past that and move on. They still look at me with love. It speaks volumes when nothing is said at all. My appreciation for my family has grown tremendously. Words cannot describe. 

Self: I’ve learned a lot about myself. I am this whole new person! Nothing like who I was! I’m letting my spirit be free! And I’m sticking to it! I want more of this feeling! In time, it’ll grow. I’m becoming my own person a little more and more each day. And people are noticing. It sucks when some are disappointed or let down. But it’s a beautiful feeling when others see my joy and become happy for me. Truly happy. 

Acceptance: this year was a roller coaster! It had more ups than downs. And that really sucks. BUT I wouldn’t change a thing. Because every single thing has shaped me to be who I am now. No regrets. As much heart ache I went through, I am one hell of a character! I love my character. I’m not always happy. I’m not always sad. But when I’m down, I realize things could be worse. I have to accept what is and move forward. That’s life. If I didn’t, I would be a nightmare. 

Respect: it’s one thing to say you are open minded with people having their own beliefs and thoughts and life style. It’s another thing to truly mean it. I now always say “you do you.” Because who am I to say what is right and what is wrong? Who am I to say what is good or bad? I am no one! Every single person deserves to be themselves. Every person deserves to follow their heart. I learned that life is much more beautiful when you can respect a person for simply who they are. 
I have learned that I am in control of no one and nothing. I’m not rich in money. But I’m rich in spirit, family, and friendship. Things could be much worse. I know I can be weird and silly. I know I still have so much to work through with myself. I know I have so much more to learn! But for now, this is who I am. I see growth in myself. I’m growing up, and it brings so much happiness to my heart. As hard as 2015 was, I’ve made peace with it. I appreciate it. I can’t say I’ll miss 2015. But I’m happy it happened. I welcome 2016 and everything it has in store for me!  

Make peace with your soul.